Saturday, June 23, 2012

Full of Beans

To continue with the theme of what I learned from online dating, I would like to share this recipe that is full of beans.  Because if something is too good to be true, it probably is full of beans.

The online dating profiles are an anonymous way to hide your true self.  You are selling a product, and you want to market it just right.   Precisely why I had only head shot pictures posted.  No full body shots of my lovely lady humps.

Since I was also looking for a house the same time I was trying the online dating, I noticed some similarities. Real estate agents use code words in their listings.  House listings that say "mature landscaping" usually means that everything is overgrown like a jungle.  "Charming" house usually means it was built in the 30's and has birds living in the decaying walls.

There are some code words and phrases that are used in dating profiles, just like in real estates listings.  Here are some you want to avoid.
  1. "Material goods aren't important to me."  This means that the guy is flat broke.  This one guy lived in a cabin by the river and delivered Chinese food.  All I could picture was Chris Farley screaming, "Living in a van down by the river."  We didn't even make it out on a date.  He told me he couldn't afford the gas to drive to my town, but it would be just fine if I came to see him.  
  2. "I appreciate the arts."  This means that he fancies himself to be an artist.  Not just any type of artist, but an artist that truly appreciates naked boobies.  I made the mistake of giving out my number.  He then proceeded to fill my inbox with his painted "art".  Mostly naked women, painted in various poses of peace symbols.  I would show you some, but I deleted them and blocked his number.  Judging by the paintings, he was also blind or had never seen in person a naked woman.
  3. "Separated."   Run.  Run as fast as you can.  Nothing like running into a man from my hometown who was separated and just looking for someone to "talk" to.  His Facebook page had him in the loving arms of his devoted wife.   If there are no divorce papers, they are still tethered to that woman. 
  4. "Recently moved back into the area."   They are living at home.  With their parents.  In their old room.  With their old memorabilia from high school.  True story:  Went on a date and we swung by his house and his mom was out for the evening.  He was super stoked he could take me in the house and show me his yearbooks.   We sat on his bed and drank juice pouches.  He didn't make a move on me (thank goodness) because he was worried his mom would come home.
  5. "I've been hurt before."  Listen, I grew up in the South.  As a southern woman, it is my job to fix and nurture any broken things, including men.  It never works the fixing we try to do.  Even though this line implies that we will be the one to fix that heart, he is still clinging to that hurt.  A phone conversation lasted for an hour as the man cried on the other end, talking about his ex-wife.   I was too polite to hang up, but was able to use the Pediegg on my feet and give myself an all-out pedicure while he talked.  He felt better and my feet looked awesome.
  6. "Self-employed."   He sells drugs.
Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, full of beans.

This recipe today is also full of beans, but it is good for you and won't send you naked pictures of painted lop-sided boobies.  In an effort to eat healthy, I've been trying some vegetarian recipes.  This makes a crap-load of chili, but it does freeze well.

Vegetarian Chili
Source:  Ezra Pound Cake

2 Tb. oil
1 1/2 c. chopped onions
1 c. chopped red bell peppers
2 Tb. minced garlic
2 - 3 serrano peppers, stemmed, seeded and mined
1 med. zucchini, diced
2 c. fresh or frozen corn kernels
1 1/2 pounds portabella mushrooms, cubed
2 Tb. chili powder
1 Tb. ground cumin
1 1 /4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp cayenne
4 tomatoes, peeled and chopped
1 (15 oz.) can of tomato sauce
2 (15 oz.) cans of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 c. water or vegetable stock

Garnishes:  fresh cilantro, sour cream, cheese, Fritos, green onions

In a large pot, heat the oil, adding in the onions peppers, and garlic, stirring until soft about three minutes.  Add the zucchini, corn, and mushrooms and saute for about six minutes.  Add the spices - chili powder, cumin, salt, cayenne.  Then add the tomatoes, tomato sauce, black beans, and vegetables stock.  Bring to a boil and simmer on the stove for twenty minutes, stirring occasionally.

This was great served with the Blue Moon Beer Bread.

What great "too-good" line should be added to the list?  



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